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Me and Ben

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Friday, 11 June 2010

Havent been on here is aaaaaaages!!

But I do have a very good excuse. Well, kinda. I've been off work ill for the past month. I had blood tests for all my vital organs and platelets. I was also tested for being pregnant. All came back fine and the pregnancy test came back negative. I cried. I literally bawled my eyes out while lying on the bed curled up in a ball. It kind of felt like I'd had everything I'd been hoping for snatched from me and smashed into a thousand pieces. I very often feel like my life has no purpose. I haven't got anything to be proud of. If I died tomorrow I haven't left my mark in this world. And I'm not likely to be able to do it via science, or music, or art or business. I'm not smart enough. But my mum, who is in the same boat at me, is so proud of her kids. I look at her and I can see the happiness. I want that. I never wanted kids when I was younger. It wasn't until I met Ben and then I was like "Yep, I've met the One. I want kids now. I want to get married, settle down and be happy"

But yeah. I'm not pregnant. And I'm not allowed to be for "a few years yet" According to Ben. Although I was very surprised. When we thought I may be pregnant, I was kind of expecting him to freak out and do a runner. But he didn't. He said that, obviously, he wouldn't put himself in that position purposefully. But if it happened we would make it work. I think that's also what made it so hard when it turned out that I wasn't. Because Ben seemed ready. It was like he'd made up his mind that he was going to be a dad and he was going to do the best damn job he could. But oh well. Maybe next time.

Anyway, what it did turn out to be, was a fooked up nerve in my left ear. Right, in your ears, you have a nerve that acts as a volume control. For example, when you're in loud places, it turns the sensitivity down. When you're in quiet places it turns the sensitivity up. Mine has decided that I am constantly in a library. Therefore, everything is incredibly loud allllll the time. Which has been giving me migraines. And making me dizzy. And the cause of my nausea. So yeah. I have a screwed up ear which means that pretty much every time I leave the house I have to have ear plugs in :S Especially when I'm working.

But yeah.

My flatmate (now nicknamed DickWad) is still living with us. I really want him gone. I will be writing him a letter tomorrow morning telling him he has a week to find somewhere else to live if he doesn't give us the rest of the rent tonight. I text him a few weeks ago warning him to have it paid by today or he'd be out. If he chose not to listen, that's his problem, not mine!! He tattoos constantly. Even at 2/3 in the morning! That pisses me off. He is also not in my good books today because of last night.
Ben and I spent the evening at a comedy gig at the cinema where we work. We came home and went to bed at about midnight. At 2am I was woken up by him rattling around in the kitchen. At 5am I was woken up by him moving Ben's computer desk chair. At 5:45am, I was woken up AGAIN by him finally going to bed. And then I woke up for the last time at 10am when Ben got up to go pick his beloved PS3 up (I'll explain later).

Anyway, I'm going to go now. Trying to convince Ben to go swimming