My wedding thoughts

Wow, I haven't been here for a while. I kept meaning to write but something always seemed to get in the way.

So much has happened since July. Ben and I got engaged again. We set a date this time too. February 3rd 2011. Thats right, 19 days away. We were just going to get married on our own and tell family and friends about it later so that there could be no opposition. But I decided i needed my family. So, I made invites, sent them out, booked a restaurant to have a meal in. And then it began. The arguments. Ben's parents said we should have asked them where they wanted us to get married. My biological dad is throwing a strop because I have asked my step dad to walk me down the aisle. My aunt says I should grow up. Apparently I should have traveled the 400 miles it would have taken to tell each set of parents individually that we were getting married. To be honest, I could have handled it better. I hate confrontation so I just sent the invites out without a phone call or anything. I thought that if I did it that way, if people wanted to come, they would; if they didn't, they wouldn't. That backfired. Big time.

I asked my step-dad to give me away, as in my eyes he has always been there for me. He was the one that stayed up all night with me when I had a nightmare. He was the one that cleaned up my sick. He was the one that rode his motorbike in the rain with no leathers on to the police station when I told him I had been sexually abused. He was the one that had 3 jobs at one time to provide for me. Granted it wasn't just me, I have 2 brothers and a sister. But the principal still works. You know, I often sit and wonder whether my dad would have done that. And do you know what the scary thing is? I don't know. I don't know my dad at all if I am perfectly honest. I don't know his favorite movie, or car, or colour. I don't know what his biggest peeve is. And the things is, it works both ways. I doubt he has a clue what any of my favorite things are. I can go for months without talking to him. Years without seeing him. 90% of the phone calls I have with him end with me being upset or angry. Apparently he's angry that I haven't spoken to him throughout the wedding planning. That I haven't included him. Newsflash: I haven't included ANYBODY! I wanted this wedding to be mine. I wanted it to be a small, quiet and intimate affair. I didn't want things to be blown out of proportion. I didn't want arguments and faff. I just wanted my closest family and friends there with me. I've already lost my chief bridesmaid because of of a misunderstanding with our rent (she was also living with us). My granddad isn't coming. My uncle doesn't appear to be coming. My aunt isn't coming. All of Ben's family are coming. I just, I don't know what to do anymore. I want my dad there because he is my dad. But I don't want there to be any fights or arguments on the day. If he is just going to sit there making snide comments, I would rather he didn't come.

I just want to get married. Is that too much to ask?