Dayum!

As you may know, I’m currently coming off my antidepressants. They say that a side effect of Prozac is dulled libido. Man, they weren’t kidding! I’ve quartered my dose within the past month and ho-ly shit!! Im suddenly feeling very, erm, how do I put this? Ah fuck it - horny! All. The. Damn. Time!! It doesn’t seem to matter how many times we have sex, 10 mins later it’s like nothing happened! I’m not complaining, but I don’t think Ben can really keep up with me anymore. Lol. We’ve spent 5 years with a rather slow sex life and now it’s gone into bleeding overdrive! Haha. Anywho, I’m gonna go now that I’ve filled your heads with TMI :P

Im struggling

I'm trying to keep my head up, stay positive. But its so hard. I just want to be happy. And to have my husband to myself. Im fed up of my brother being here now. He eats all the food, drinks all the drink and then gives us £10 for 3 months worth of rent/bills/food. I dont feel like I can say anything as he’s my brother. 

I just want my husband back, and our flat to ourselves. 

Soppy Warning...

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my husband. He dropped out of uni about this time last year as he was failing all his courses and he couldn’t really be bothered with the effort. He then spent the summer being dicked around by his previous job, before getting a job at Krispy Kreme in September. He was at KK for 5 weeks before getting employee of the month. A month later he won a fancy dress comp. 2 weeks after that he won the company’s mystery shop. He got the highest score in the history of Krispy Kreme UK. He was also nominated for an award at their annual awards dinner. The general manager of the UK knows Ben by name and has told Ben he will have his own store within the next year.

In march, Ben was put forward as a candidate for a Team Leader position. He then started the training for the role. Not even 3 weeks later, Ben has been promoted AGAIN. He is now solely in charge of training new recruits and re-training every body else when needed.

Ben thought that when he left uni, he would be classed as a failure. I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, he is anything but a failure and I could not be more proud to call myself his wife.

Havent been on here is aaaaaaages!!

Cant even say Ive been too busy. Cos I haven’t. 

I got a new phone, a BlackBerry. Was really happy with it to begin with as it is in a really good condition. However, on further inspection, and play we have discovered that it cannot be connected to the internet. This means, no emails (the primary function for which I bought the damn thing) and no BBM, which I was reallylooking forward to playing with.

I had my implant out too. Coincidentally the same day I got my BB. Wasn’t as bad as I was thinking. Only bit I really felt was the needle for the local. She then just sliced my arm open with a scalpel and pulled it out. It was slightly bent from where I kept playing with it. It bled a lot. Was dripping down my arm. She turned round to get the stitches and when she looked back it had bled so much it had dripped onto the floor! She was like “Woah, its not supposed to bleed that much! Especially as it was so easy to take out!” But then I tend to bleed a lot so I wasn’t worried. Lol. She put 3 or 4 stitches in and a plaster then put a pressure bandage on. I have to keep the plaster on for 5 days and the bandage on for 3. I have also recently remembered though, that I’m allergic to plaster glue. And now my arm is itchy as hell!! The bandage is also doing my nut in!!

Im insanely broody right now. Not only have I had my implant out (Ben is now with holding sex), but my friend has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl! And they’ve chosen the most amazing name: Colbie Faith! How cute and original is that!! If Ben and I have a baby, I want a girl. Mainly because I love the name we have picked out: Sophia Kathleen Thomas. I think The name Sophia is so pretty and it means “Wisdom” apparently! And Kathleen was my late Nan’s name. I’m not so sure on the boys name Ben has picked out; Raiden Alan Thomas. Poor kid. Raiden is from the game Metal Gear Solid. I lovethe character, but not sure how a kid will fair going through life with it. Alan is Ben’s granddads name. Apparently its tradition. 

Anywho, I have crap to do

My Day...

Hmm, what can I say about my day? It’s been up and down. I was supposed to have a cheque clear today and with that money i was going to pay for the blackberry pearl I won a few days ago. I was also going to give ben some money so he could go to his managers leaving do tomorrow night. But instead, Sky decided to take their bill 12 days late and that swallowed all the money from the cheque. Mood goes down. I asked my mum if I can borrow the money to pay for my phone so that I don’t piss the guy off and get any neg feedback. She says yes and gave me her card details, with which I was able to pay for the phone. Mood goes up. Ben then decides to get out of bed. Mood goes down again. Hard. I then start REALLY craving mint magnums. But alas, we have no money thanks to sky (double points go to Ben for pointing that out to me). Mood sinks lower still. I got my remastered version of “RedVsBlue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles” byRooster Teeth. Mood goes up. Aidan (my brother) and Ben go into town to sell some DVDs so I decide to curl up on the couch and watch Angel. Mood picks up a bit. Ben rings asking if I want a magnum. Mood picks up more. They have no mint ones. Only White and almond (who the fuck would want an almond flavoured ice cream?! Bleugh!!) Mood sinks. When they eventually get home, Aidan decides to go out skating leaving me and Ben alone. I ask for hugs, and eventually get them. Hugs then lead to other things, which leads to me and Ben in bed again. Mood picks up a lot. We end up just lying in bed cuddling while listening to the drunk tank podcast. Feeling very happy and satisfied now, but still that something is wrong. Ben tries again to pick my mood up and I end up so worn out I slept for a few hours. I woke up to the phone ringing and Ben talking to the guys from EDF about our electric bill. Now, I rang up on Friday and paid as much of the bill as I could and I set up a direct debit to come out. However, this guy was saying I HADN’T paid anything. I HADN’T spoken to anyone and that I HADN’T set up a DB. He also tried to say that we needed to pay £200 a MONTH to clear our bill! Now I’m just plain angry!! I ended up telling him to shut up and listen. I explained that I set up a DB on Friday (even gave him the woman’s name) and that we had agreed to pay £100 a month and even that was stretching it. I then hung up on him after he said ok.

That was pretty much it. Still in a kinda pissed off/depressed mood. This new half dose of Prozac is going to be fun. Not.

Happy, Happy, Happy

My trip to the doctors was pretty successful :) They actually called me Mrs Thomas. I giggled and walked through the waiting room with a HUGE grin on my face. I was given a liquid form of prozac so that I can halve my dose again and Im going in for minor surgery on Thursday :) Hopefully I will be off the prozac completely in a month or 2! Cant wait. Been on it so long now Ive forgotten what its like to be normal. I get a bit paranoid every time Im overly happy - is it me or the drug? But I will find out soon enough :D 

Ben seems pretty happy with the results too. Although he whined like a bitch when I asked him to come with me! But he did in the end. Mainly cos I can do the whole whiny bitch thing better than he can :P

Newly Wed Musings...

I love being married. Every so often, I look at Ben and get such a strong wave of love and affection it makes me cry. I look at him sleeping, or making dinner and actually feel sorry for all those people that have never felt this way about someone. I feel such pride when I see him at work, doing what he loves, and doing well at it. We’ve been through so much together and I can’t see us ever not being together. I’ve known since I met him that I wanted to be with him. It took me a few years (and him to be dating someone else) to realise that I loved him and never wanted to wake up without him by my side.

I love (pretty much) everything about him. They way he makes me a cup of tea in bed every morning. The way he gives me a kiss and a cuddle before he leaves for work in the morning. Even if he’s running late and I’m asleep. The way he pokes his tongue out at me when I go to see him at work, but he’s busy and can’t talk to me.

People say that when you have kids you have never known love like it. But I don’t understand. How can I physically love someone MORE then I love my husband? How can my heart be capable of loving someone else as much, or even more, than Ben? I don’t think my heart is physically big enough to handle that kind of love!!

I know this is uber soppy, but I don’t care. I love my husband and I am proud to be his wife - now and forever more xx

Well, it almost worked…

Bens PS3 died months ago and the shop we would have had it fixed in, decided to close down. Sooooo, we just kind of left it. That was until Ben decided he could fix it himself. So I spent £10 on some materials that he needed (thermal paste, thermal paste cleaner, that kind of thing) and he decided that he would watch some YouTube videos to become knowledgeable on the task at hand (remind me later to tell you about Ben and his YouTube talent). He must have watched this video 4 times before he felt ready enough to begin taking his beloved PS3 apart. He spent an hour and a bit taking it apart. Had an hour break to get some food. Then another 6 HOURS to completely finish it. And you know what? The YLOD had gone!!! Woop woop!!! We were able to get his friends skateboarding DVD out, that had been stuck in there since October. Managed to update the time and a few more things. Then we turned it off so we could get an external hard drive to back it up. Went to turn it back on again and *beep beep beep*. YLOD is back with a vengeance. It had worked for all of 20 minutes. Ben is now re-doing all his hard work (granted he is much quicker now as he knows what he is doing. I also don't have to listen to the annoying YouTube instructional video he had going.) I'm praying it works. I miss the PS3! I didn't realise I would miss it that much as I didn't think I played it too often, but I want Move! I want the new Ratchet and Clank. And the new edition of Heavy Rain. And Gran Tuurismo. And Need For Speed!! I want my blu-ray player back!!! But we shall have to see.

Stay tuned folks, this could get interesting….

Wooooo, new body jewellery

I loooove getting new jewellery! Especially piercing jewellery. I realised last night that I only have a blue lip stud, but i wanted to wear it for the wedding. Sooooo, I managed to sweet talk my gorgeous husband to be and he said I could buy a new stud. So Ive just ordered 2 pink labret studs and I'm going to try a silver ring stud to see if it aggravates my lip as badly as the studs do. Hopefully it wont. But woop!

Kinda bored...

I haven't done that much today to be honest. I'm on my second load of washing. Ben has done half the washing up and is now trying to fix his PS3. I've tidied up a tad and made 3 more wedding invites. Other then that, Ive sat on my ass playing a new game on my iPod. Its called Bubble Ball. Apparently some 14 year old kid designed this game, which is free, and it now has more downloads than Angry Birds! And its just as freakin' addictive and annoying!!

I was supposed to have rung the doctors today to make an appointment about my insomnia. Its getting ridiculous now. I seem to, somehow, be functioning on 3 hours sleep each night. I'm trying really hard not to nap during the day and to get up at a reasonable time,  but nothing seems to work. It also doesn't help when Ben falls asleep at the drop of a hat and then starts snoring. Which, incidentally, has started to sound a lot like Dart Vader! But yeah. That just pisses me off.

I'm hoping to hang out with some friends later. Hopefully my friend is feeling better now :) But I need to go now, these invites wont deliver themselves!

I need fooooood!!!

I rarely eat 3 meals a day. And if I do, those 3 meals aren't where or what they are supposed to be. For example, I had Tuna and pasta for breakfast - at 6pm. And it is now 4:21am and I am waiting for Dominos to be delivered. I also eat badly. Pizza, Burger King, KFC. You name it and I will most likely eat it on a weekly or biweekly basis. How I'm not 30 stone I don't know!! I think the healthiest thing I eat is tuna and pasta. And that is literally what I eat. A can of tuna on some plain pasta. Oh, with a bit of salad cream too. I love jacket potatoes too, especially with prawns. Hmmmmm.

On a completely unrelated topic:
Ive just realised that Will Smith's daughter is called Willow Smith. What will people call her for short? That's right, Will. He gave his daughter the same name as him. That's just weird...

Guilty secret...

I have a confession to make. And this isn't easy for me:

I watch Coronation Street.

I started watching it the week of their 50th anniversary, with the tram crash and what not. I thought that as soon as that story line finished, I would stop watching. But then something else happened and I had to know how it ended. And so on and so forth. It is now set to record every episode onto  my Sky+ box.

I hate soaps, and never understood why people watch them. To be honest, I still don't. And as soon as I start working again I dare say I will stop watching it.

But yeah. There you have it - I have now joined the ranks of the soap watchers :'(

There's something magical about fire...

So, Ben decided he wanted to re-arrange our bookshelves the other night. He had 3 shelves of uni work, but as he has left uni, he decided to throw it all out (BTW, if anyone wants some folders, hit me up, I have a stack of about 20 currently residing under my coffee table) While he was in this, rather unusual and lovely tidying phase, he came across a folder full of bank statements, phone bills and other "sensitive" things. So we put it aside to shred it. Now, our shredder isn't the worst - but by god its not the best either. You can usually get about 10 minutes of shredding power out of it before it over heats. 20 if you're insanely lucky. Once the shredder overheats, it takes 3 hours, yes I said hours, to cool down to the point where it will once again turn on. If you were halfway through shredding a piece of paper when it overheats, that bitch is staying jammed! So yeah, as you can imagine I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of spending hours, possibly days, trying to shred some old bank statements from 2006. Then Ben discovered 3 years worth of weekly pay slips that also needed to be shredded.
Fuck that. I needed some help!
And in comes my beloved barbecue/fire pit. I spent about 2 hours sitting cross legged on my balcony (which we thankfully put decking on) with my box of lighters in one hand and a bottle of lighter fluid in the other. Those pieces of paper didn't stand a chance! Lol.

To be honest, I wasn't as silly with it as I normally can be. I only used the lighter fluid when the paper wouldn't light on its own and if the flames got too big, I put more paper on it to calm it down (don't ask how it worked - but it did). I love staring into the flames. I felt very calm and relaxed afterwards. I also contemplated joining the fire service, but I thought my answer of "Because I like setting fire to stuff and would like to know how to put it out" to their "Why do you want to join the FB?" question wasn't really going to work. Lol. But yeah, I just thought I would let you know what I have done with my evening whilst my beloved was at work :D

The topic?.. Yeah, you guessed it...

More wedding!!

I'm trying to get my head straight and organise a list of everything else that needs doing. I have 2 weeks today! TWO weeks! :O I was looking through some wedding blogs last night to try and get some last minute inspiration and it dawned on me that I have spent 4 years planning this wedding, and looking through blogs and magazines, what the heck am I going to do with my time now???

But anyway, I'm trying to make a list of everything that needs doing, but my mind is just going blank! I cant seem to think of anything! Aggghhhh!! I mean, I have a few things. Like, finish the decorations, email people about RSVP's, make a table plan and design the place settings. But other then that I cant think of anything. Oh well. I do however have a loooooong list of chores to do while Ben's at work. Although I'm not sure how I'm supposed to wash his work uniform when hes wearing it. Lol. I shall just have to wash everything else and wait until he gets home at midnight before I put his uniform on. Although, I think I recall him mentioning that he has a day off tomorrow, so I may just wait until then. 

I discovered some entries I made to another blog yesterday. I may copy them over to here so you can see what I was up to past July. Haha.

MORE wedding things

Sorry, the wedding is pretty much the only thing on my mind at the moment. That and my friend, but I shall talk about that in a bit.

I had a friend around mine the other day to help make some of the wedding things. DEFINITELY asked the right friend for help! Everything looks amazing! We spent about 5 hours making things and having dinner before she had to go. She managed to finish the fabric pom I was working on. That's these things if you haven't got a clue: Fabric Poms. I was dreading showing my bridesmaids what I had made, and was terrified of asking them to actually carry them down the aisle. But Chris saved me from having to force my DIY monstrosity onto my unsuspecting bridesmaids. Lol. Here's a picture of the semi finished article. I'm hoping to buy some pink glitter hairspray to give them a bit of a pink shimmer as they are a bit too monotone for my liking.

She also helped me make some buttonholes which are 100x better then I thought they would be considering the materials I had! You don't imagine anything worthwhile coming from some lolly pop sticks, some recycled flowers, some pink flowers and some ribbon. BUT Chris managed to turn these lame materials into this:

Nearly finished. Just needs a bow.

The finished article & what it will look like in a jacket!!

I cant wait! I think I'm actually getting excited now!! I cant wait to see how everything looks when its all brought together! Ben looks gorgeous in his suit. But then I think he looks gorgeous in everything... OK, most things. I do like him in a suit though :P
More things are starting to come together now too. My mum (who is yet to find a dress she deems suitable) has bought a pink candle that I am going to decorate in memory of my Nan. I have some more pink and white flowers that I am going to stick onto it with R.I.P and I'm going to melt the top of it so that I can put an LED tea light candle in, so it looks like the candle is burning, but isn't, meaning I will be able to keep it.  She's also bought some pink ribbon for the car, some ribbon for the bridesmaids dresses and is looking at flowers for me.

Anyways, gonna go now.

Ciao!!

More thoughts

You know, I have my blog as I was always told in therapy that it would be good for me to vent. I tried the old fashioned way of a pen and paper, but my writing sucks. Lol. Therefore a blog seemed the next logical step.


After writing my last blog, I felt a bit lighter. Like I had got something off my chest. Now I feel weighed down again. I have spent the past few days in a it of a daze. Not really knowing what I am doing. I have so much to do before the wedding, yet I seem to suddenly be lacking motivation to do it all. I've had to ask some friends for their help with all the craft things I want to do as I cannot physically do it on my own! In 17 days I have to make:
2 x Fabric Poms (that's these things: http://tinyurl.com/y9c77qk) for my bridesmaids to carry
6 x buttonholes for the guys
3 x corsages for the mums to wear (My mum, my step-mum and Ben's mum)
And the room decorations!!
I really don't know how I'm going to do it all!! I thought I had loads of time, so I left it. But I don't! Ben took me to fabricland yesterday to get some more fabric for the poms. I had used an old black t-shirt and the ivory corset that came with my wedding dress (it was too big around the boobs - I'd have had to have had a surgery to fit into it!) but dont have enough material from them to make both the poms. We also bought some hot pink ribbon and some small pink flowers to make the buttonholes with. He also bought me a hot glue gun last week so I can actually make a start on it all. Lol
I have also had serious trouble trying to find the right sized lampshade for the poms! I bought one at Halloween that seemed the right size, but I CANNOT find one the same! So Ive had to buy one slightly smaller one. But this one should be better as the lampshade is pink rather then white with a spiderweb on it. Haha. I'm also hoping to buy some pink glittery hairspray or something to spray over them to give them a glittery effect. All depends on if I have time and money though. 


Anyway, I should go. Our beloved kettle died last night (may it R.I.P.) so we're off out to buy a new one. Yeah I know we can boil water and make tea with a saucepan, but thats effort and takes longer!!

My wedding thoughts

Wow, I haven't been here for a while. I kept meaning to write but something always seemed to get in the way.

So much has happened since July. Ben and I got engaged again. We set a date this time too. February 3rd 2011. Thats right, 19 days away. We were just going to get married on our own and tell family and friends about it later so that there could be no opposition. But I decided i needed my family. So, I made invites, sent them out, booked a restaurant to have a meal in. And then it began. The arguments. Ben's parents said we should have asked them where they wanted us to get married. My biological dad is throwing a strop because I have asked my step dad to walk me down the aisle. My aunt says I should grow up. Apparently I should have traveled the 400 miles it would have taken to tell each set of parents individually that we were getting married. To be honest, I could have handled it better. I hate confrontation so I just sent the invites out without a phone call or anything. I thought that if I did it that way, if people wanted to come, they would; if they didn't, they wouldn't. That backfired. Big time.

I asked my step-dad to give me away, as in my eyes he has always been there for me. He was the one that stayed up all night with me when I had a nightmare. He was the one that cleaned up my sick. He was the one that rode his motorbike in the rain with no leathers on to the police station when I told him I had been sexually abused. He was the one that had 3 jobs at one time to provide for me. Granted it wasn't just me, I have 2 brothers and a sister. But the principal still works. You know, I often sit and wonder whether my dad would have done that. And do you know what the scary thing is? I don't know. I don't know my dad at all if I am perfectly honest. I don't know his favorite movie, or car, or colour. I don't know what his biggest peeve is. And the things is, it works both ways. I doubt he has a clue what any of my favorite things are. I can go for months without talking to him. Years without seeing him. 90% of the phone calls I have with him end with me being upset or angry. Apparently he's angry that I haven't spoken to him throughout the wedding planning. That I haven't included him. Newsflash: I haven't included ANYBODY! I wanted this wedding to be mine. I wanted it to be a small, quiet and intimate affair. I didn't want things to be blown out of proportion. I didn't want arguments and faff. I just wanted my closest family and friends there with me. I've already lost my chief bridesmaid because of of a misunderstanding with our rent (she was also living with us). My granddad isn't coming. My uncle doesn't appear to be coming. My aunt isn't coming. All of Ben's family are coming. I just, I don't know what to do anymore. I want my dad there because he is my dad. But I don't want there to be any fights or arguments on the day. If he is just going to sit there making snide comments, I would rather he didn't come.

I just want to get married. Is that too much to ask?

A long and girly entry about feelings...

Im feeling very tense and wound up today. My flat"mate" is very lucky that he's not here as I may end up actually murdering him. 
My boyfriend and I spent all day Friday (no joke) cleaning and tidying the flat. We were both really proud of ourselves. Then, last night I came home from work to find dickwad had used my newly cleaned frying pan to cook steaks in. The packaging of which he then decided to leave on my table, leaving blood drips everywhere So irritating. He then proceeded to start filling the sink up with water and put his washing up in it, so I thought "Perhaps he's actually going to wash our things up" HA Fat chance. Nope, he just decided to leave it all in the sink so now I cant do my washing up and today he's in London so I cant even make him do it now!! He has also decided to leave pencil sharpening's all over my coffee table, mashed potato and coco pops all over my floor, table and worktop.Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh He also hasnt taken his rubbish out so I threw it outside the front door and am now making a small heap out there and will be texting him to take it out as soon as he gets home. Dick.

In other news:

I am also feeling quite chilled out. Ben started playing some acoustic guitar (which I love) and he asked what songs he should learn to play so I immediately said Johnny Cash. He asked which ones and I said his Nine Inch Nails cover "Hurt" as that song chills me out no end. Gives me goosebumps every time!! I also love it when Ben plays GreenDay's "Time Of Your Life". That's actually kind of our song. Because of that song, I stayed in school and didn't drop out. Ben gave me a CD with that one song on and I spent my 4 hour food technology lesson listening to it on repeat. After that, I realised that I couldn't let the bullies get me down and that even if they managed to turn everyone else against me, I still had Ben. And for that I am more grateful then I think even he realises. It will now be our first dance at our wedding :D

Anyways, I'm gonna go now. Ben's cheered me up even more by playing the Agent Tex song so Im gonna go dance around :D

Havent been on here is aaaaaaages!!

But I do have a very good excuse. Well, kinda. I've been off work ill for the past month. I had blood tests for all my vital organs and platelets. I was also tested for being pregnant. All came back fine and the pregnancy test came back negative. I cried. I literally bawled my eyes out while lying on the bed curled up in a ball. It kind of felt like I'd had everything I'd been hoping for snatched from me and smashed into a thousand pieces. I very often feel like my life has no purpose. I haven't got anything to be proud of. If I died tomorrow I haven't left my mark in this world. And I'm not likely to be able to do it via science, or music, or art or business. I'm not smart enough. But my mum, who is in the same boat at me, is so proud of her kids. I look at her and I can see the happiness. I want that. I never wanted kids when I was younger. It wasn't until I met Ben and then I was like "Yep, I've met the One. I want kids now. I want to get married, settle down and be happy"

But yeah. I'm not pregnant. And I'm not allowed to be for "a few years yet" According to Ben. Although I was very surprised. When we thought I may be pregnant, I was kind of expecting him to freak out and do a runner. But he didn't. He said that, obviously, he wouldn't put himself in that position purposefully. But if it happened we would make it work. I think that's also what made it so hard when it turned out that I wasn't. Because Ben seemed ready. It was like he'd made up his mind that he was going to be a dad and he was going to do the best damn job he could. But oh well. Maybe next time.

Anyway, what it did turn out to be, was a fooked up nerve in my left ear. Right, in your ears, you have a nerve that acts as a volume control. For example, when you're in loud places, it turns the sensitivity down. When you're in quiet places it turns the sensitivity up. Mine has decided that I am constantly in a library. Therefore, everything is incredibly loud allllll the time. Which has been giving me migraines. And making me dizzy. And the cause of my nausea. So yeah. I have a screwed up ear which means that pretty much every time I leave the house I have to have ear plugs in :S Especially when I'm working.

But yeah.

My flatmate (now nicknamed DickWad) is still living with us. I really want him gone. I will be writing him a letter tomorrow morning telling him he has a week to find somewhere else to live if he doesn't give us the rest of the rent tonight. I text him a few weeks ago warning him to have it paid by today or he'd be out. If he chose not to listen, that's his problem, not mine!! He tattoos constantly. Even at 2/3 in the morning! That pisses me off. He is also not in my good books today because of last night.
Ben and I spent the evening at a comedy gig at the cinema where we work. We came home and went to bed at about midnight. At 2am I was woken up by him rattling around in the kitchen. At 5am I was woken up by him moving Ben's computer desk chair. At 5:45am, I was woken up AGAIN by him finally going to bed. And then I woke up for the last time at 10am when Ben got up to go pick his beloved PS3 up (I'll explain later).

Anyway, I'm going to go now. Trying to convince Ben to go swimming

xx