Well, it almost worked…

Bens PS3 died months ago and the shop we would have had it fixed in, decided to close down. Sooooo, we just kind of left it. That was until Ben decided he could fix it himself. So I spent £10 on some materials that he needed (thermal paste, thermal paste cleaner, that kind of thing) and he decided that he would watch some YouTube videos to become knowledgeable on the task at hand (remind me later to tell you about Ben and his YouTube talent). He must have watched this video 4 times before he felt ready enough to begin taking his beloved PS3 apart. He spent an hour and a bit taking it apart. Had an hour break to get some food. Then another 6 HOURS to completely finish it. And you know what? The YLOD had gone!!! Woop woop!!! We were able to get his friends skateboarding DVD out, that had been stuck in there since October. Managed to update the time and a few more things. Then we turned it off so we could get an external hard drive to back it up. Went to turn it back on again and *beep beep beep*. YLOD is back with a vengeance. It had worked for all of 20 minutes. Ben is now re-doing all his hard work (granted he is much quicker now as he knows what he is doing. I also don't have to listen to the annoying YouTube instructional video he had going.) I'm praying it works. I miss the PS3! I didn't realise I would miss it that much as I didn't think I played it too often, but I want Move! I want the new Ratchet and Clank. And the new edition of Heavy Rain. And Gran Tuurismo. And Need For Speed!! I want my blu-ray player back!!! But we shall have to see.

Stay tuned folks, this could get interesting….

Wooooo, new body jewellery

I loooove getting new jewellery! Especially piercing jewellery. I realised last night that I only have a blue lip stud, but i wanted to wear it for the wedding. Sooooo, I managed to sweet talk my gorgeous husband to be and he said I could buy a new stud. So Ive just ordered 2 pink labret studs and I'm going to try a silver ring stud to see if it aggravates my lip as badly as the studs do. Hopefully it wont. But woop!

Kinda bored...

I haven't done that much today to be honest. I'm on my second load of washing. Ben has done half the washing up and is now trying to fix his PS3. I've tidied up a tad and made 3 more wedding invites. Other then that, Ive sat on my ass playing a new game on my iPod. Its called Bubble Ball. Apparently some 14 year old kid designed this game, which is free, and it now has more downloads than Angry Birds! And its just as freakin' addictive and annoying!!

I was supposed to have rung the doctors today to make an appointment about my insomnia. Its getting ridiculous now. I seem to, somehow, be functioning on 3 hours sleep each night. I'm trying really hard not to nap during the day and to get up at a reasonable time,  but nothing seems to work. It also doesn't help when Ben falls asleep at the drop of a hat and then starts snoring. Which, incidentally, has started to sound a lot like Dart Vader! But yeah. That just pisses me off.

I'm hoping to hang out with some friends later. Hopefully my friend is feeling better now :) But I need to go now, these invites wont deliver themselves!

I need fooooood!!!

I rarely eat 3 meals a day. And if I do, those 3 meals aren't where or what they are supposed to be. For example, I had Tuna and pasta for breakfast - at 6pm. And it is now 4:21am and I am waiting for Dominos to be delivered. I also eat badly. Pizza, Burger King, KFC. You name it and I will most likely eat it on a weekly or biweekly basis. How I'm not 30 stone I don't know!! I think the healthiest thing I eat is tuna and pasta. And that is literally what I eat. A can of tuna on some plain pasta. Oh, with a bit of salad cream too. I love jacket potatoes too, especially with prawns. Hmmmmm.

On a completely unrelated topic:
Ive just realised that Will Smith's daughter is called Willow Smith. What will people call her for short? That's right, Will. He gave his daughter the same name as him. That's just weird...

Guilty secret...

I have a confession to make. And this isn't easy for me:

I watch Coronation Street.

I started watching it the week of their 50th anniversary, with the tram crash and what not. I thought that as soon as that story line finished, I would stop watching. But then something else happened and I had to know how it ended. And so on and so forth. It is now set to record every episode onto  my Sky+ box.

I hate soaps, and never understood why people watch them. To be honest, I still don't. And as soon as I start working again I dare say I will stop watching it.

But yeah. There you have it - I have now joined the ranks of the soap watchers :'(

There's something magical about fire...

So, Ben decided he wanted to re-arrange our bookshelves the other night. He had 3 shelves of uni work, but as he has left uni, he decided to throw it all out (BTW, if anyone wants some folders, hit me up, I have a stack of about 20 currently residing under my coffee table) While he was in this, rather unusual and lovely tidying phase, he came across a folder full of bank statements, phone bills and other "sensitive" things. So we put it aside to shred it. Now, our shredder isn't the worst - but by god its not the best either. You can usually get about 10 minutes of shredding power out of it before it over heats. 20 if you're insanely lucky. Once the shredder overheats, it takes 3 hours, yes I said hours, to cool down to the point where it will once again turn on. If you were halfway through shredding a piece of paper when it overheats, that bitch is staying jammed! So yeah, as you can imagine I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of spending hours, possibly days, trying to shred some old bank statements from 2006. Then Ben discovered 3 years worth of weekly pay slips that also needed to be shredded.
Fuck that. I needed some help!
And in comes my beloved barbecue/fire pit. I spent about 2 hours sitting cross legged on my balcony (which we thankfully put decking on) with my box of lighters in one hand and a bottle of lighter fluid in the other. Those pieces of paper didn't stand a chance! Lol.

To be honest, I wasn't as silly with it as I normally can be. I only used the lighter fluid when the paper wouldn't light on its own and if the flames got too big, I put more paper on it to calm it down (don't ask how it worked - but it did). I love staring into the flames. I felt very calm and relaxed afterwards. I also contemplated joining the fire service, but I thought my answer of "Because I like setting fire to stuff and would like to know how to put it out" to their "Why do you want to join the FB?" question wasn't really going to work. Lol. But yeah, I just thought I would let you know what I have done with my evening whilst my beloved was at work :D

The topic?.. Yeah, you guessed it...

More wedding!!

I'm trying to get my head straight and organise a list of everything else that needs doing. I have 2 weeks today! TWO weeks! :O I was looking through some wedding blogs last night to try and get some last minute inspiration and it dawned on me that I have spent 4 years planning this wedding, and looking through blogs and magazines, what the heck am I going to do with my time now???

But anyway, I'm trying to make a list of everything that needs doing, but my mind is just going blank! I cant seem to think of anything! Aggghhhh!! I mean, I have a few things. Like, finish the decorations, email people about RSVP's, make a table plan and design the place settings. But other then that I cant think of anything. Oh well. I do however have a loooooong list of chores to do while Ben's at work. Although I'm not sure how I'm supposed to wash his work uniform when hes wearing it. Lol. I shall just have to wash everything else and wait until he gets home at midnight before I put his uniform on. Although, I think I recall him mentioning that he has a day off tomorrow, so I may just wait until then. 

I discovered some entries I made to another blog yesterday. I may copy them over to here so you can see what I was up to past July. Haha.

MORE wedding things

Sorry, the wedding is pretty much the only thing on my mind at the moment. That and my friend, but I shall talk about that in a bit.

I had a friend around mine the other day to help make some of the wedding things. DEFINITELY asked the right friend for help! Everything looks amazing! We spent about 5 hours making things and having dinner before she had to go. She managed to finish the fabric pom I was working on. That's these things if you haven't got a clue: Fabric Poms. I was dreading showing my bridesmaids what I had made, and was terrified of asking them to actually carry them down the aisle. But Chris saved me from having to force my DIY monstrosity onto my unsuspecting bridesmaids. Lol. Here's a picture of the semi finished article. I'm hoping to buy some pink glitter hairspray to give them a bit of a pink shimmer as they are a bit too monotone for my liking.

She also helped me make some buttonholes which are 100x better then I thought they would be considering the materials I had! You don't imagine anything worthwhile coming from some lolly pop sticks, some recycled flowers, some pink flowers and some ribbon. BUT Chris managed to turn these lame materials into this:

Nearly finished. Just needs a bow.

The finished article & what it will look like in a jacket!!

I cant wait! I think I'm actually getting excited now!! I cant wait to see how everything looks when its all brought together! Ben looks gorgeous in his suit. But then I think he looks gorgeous in everything... OK, most things. I do like him in a suit though :P
More things are starting to come together now too. My mum (who is yet to find a dress she deems suitable) has bought a pink candle that I am going to decorate in memory of my Nan. I have some more pink and white flowers that I am going to stick onto it with R.I.P and I'm going to melt the top of it so that I can put an LED tea light candle in, so it looks like the candle is burning, but isn't, meaning I will be able to keep it.  She's also bought some pink ribbon for the car, some ribbon for the bridesmaids dresses and is looking at flowers for me.

Anyways, gonna go now.

Ciao!!

More thoughts

You know, I have my blog as I was always told in therapy that it would be good for me to vent. I tried the old fashioned way of a pen and paper, but my writing sucks. Lol. Therefore a blog seemed the next logical step.


After writing my last blog, I felt a bit lighter. Like I had got something off my chest. Now I feel weighed down again. I have spent the past few days in a it of a daze. Not really knowing what I am doing. I have so much to do before the wedding, yet I seem to suddenly be lacking motivation to do it all. I've had to ask some friends for their help with all the craft things I want to do as I cannot physically do it on my own! In 17 days I have to make:
2 x Fabric Poms (that's these things: http://tinyurl.com/y9c77qk) for my bridesmaids to carry
6 x buttonholes for the guys
3 x corsages for the mums to wear (My mum, my step-mum and Ben's mum)
And the room decorations!!
I really don't know how I'm going to do it all!! I thought I had loads of time, so I left it. But I don't! Ben took me to fabricland yesterday to get some more fabric for the poms. I had used an old black t-shirt and the ivory corset that came with my wedding dress (it was too big around the boobs - I'd have had to have had a surgery to fit into it!) but dont have enough material from them to make both the poms. We also bought some hot pink ribbon and some small pink flowers to make the buttonholes with. He also bought me a hot glue gun last week so I can actually make a start on it all. Lol
I have also had serious trouble trying to find the right sized lampshade for the poms! I bought one at Halloween that seemed the right size, but I CANNOT find one the same! So Ive had to buy one slightly smaller one. But this one should be better as the lampshade is pink rather then white with a spiderweb on it. Haha. I'm also hoping to buy some pink glittery hairspray or something to spray over them to give them a glittery effect. All depends on if I have time and money though. 


Anyway, I should go. Our beloved kettle died last night (may it R.I.P.) so we're off out to buy a new one. Yeah I know we can boil water and make tea with a saucepan, but thats effort and takes longer!!

My wedding thoughts

Wow, I haven't been here for a while. I kept meaning to write but something always seemed to get in the way.

So much has happened since July. Ben and I got engaged again. We set a date this time too. February 3rd 2011. Thats right, 19 days away. We were just going to get married on our own and tell family and friends about it later so that there could be no opposition. But I decided i needed my family. So, I made invites, sent them out, booked a restaurant to have a meal in. And then it began. The arguments. Ben's parents said we should have asked them where they wanted us to get married. My biological dad is throwing a strop because I have asked my step dad to walk me down the aisle. My aunt says I should grow up. Apparently I should have traveled the 400 miles it would have taken to tell each set of parents individually that we were getting married. To be honest, I could have handled it better. I hate confrontation so I just sent the invites out without a phone call or anything. I thought that if I did it that way, if people wanted to come, they would; if they didn't, they wouldn't. That backfired. Big time.

I asked my step-dad to give me away, as in my eyes he has always been there for me. He was the one that stayed up all night with me when I had a nightmare. He was the one that cleaned up my sick. He was the one that rode his motorbike in the rain with no leathers on to the police station when I told him I had been sexually abused. He was the one that had 3 jobs at one time to provide for me. Granted it wasn't just me, I have 2 brothers and a sister. But the principal still works. You know, I often sit and wonder whether my dad would have done that. And do you know what the scary thing is? I don't know. I don't know my dad at all if I am perfectly honest. I don't know his favorite movie, or car, or colour. I don't know what his biggest peeve is. And the things is, it works both ways. I doubt he has a clue what any of my favorite things are. I can go for months without talking to him. Years without seeing him. 90% of the phone calls I have with him end with me being upset or angry. Apparently he's angry that I haven't spoken to him throughout the wedding planning. That I haven't included him. Newsflash: I haven't included ANYBODY! I wanted this wedding to be mine. I wanted it to be a small, quiet and intimate affair. I didn't want things to be blown out of proportion. I didn't want arguments and faff. I just wanted my closest family and friends there with me. I've already lost my chief bridesmaid because of of a misunderstanding with our rent (she was also living with us). My granddad isn't coming. My uncle doesn't appear to be coming. My aunt isn't coming. All of Ben's family are coming. I just, I don't know what to do anymore. I want my dad there because he is my dad. But I don't want there to be any fights or arguments on the day. If he is just going to sit there making snide comments, I would rather he didn't come.

I just want to get married. Is that too much to ask?

A long and girly entry about feelings...

Im feeling very tense and wound up today. My flat"mate" is very lucky that he's not here as I may end up actually murdering him. 
My boyfriend and I spent all day Friday (no joke) cleaning and tidying the flat. We were both really proud of ourselves. Then, last night I came home from work to find dickwad had used my newly cleaned frying pan to cook steaks in. The packaging of which he then decided to leave on my table, leaving blood drips everywhere So irritating. He then proceeded to start filling the sink up with water and put his washing up in it, so I thought "Perhaps he's actually going to wash our things up" HA Fat chance. Nope, he just decided to leave it all in the sink so now I cant do my washing up and today he's in London so I cant even make him do it now!! He has also decided to leave pencil sharpening's all over my coffee table, mashed potato and coco pops all over my floor, table and worktop.Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh He also hasnt taken his rubbish out so I threw it outside the front door and am now making a small heap out there and will be texting him to take it out as soon as he gets home. Dick.

In other news:

I am also feeling quite chilled out. Ben started playing some acoustic guitar (which I love) and he asked what songs he should learn to play so I immediately said Johnny Cash. He asked which ones and I said his Nine Inch Nails cover "Hurt" as that song chills me out no end. Gives me goosebumps every time!! I also love it when Ben plays GreenDay's "Time Of Your Life". That's actually kind of our song. Because of that song, I stayed in school and didn't drop out. Ben gave me a CD with that one song on and I spent my 4 hour food technology lesson listening to it on repeat. After that, I realised that I couldn't let the bullies get me down and that even if they managed to turn everyone else against me, I still had Ben. And for that I am more grateful then I think even he realises. It will now be our first dance at our wedding :D

Anyways, I'm gonna go now. Ben's cheered me up even more by playing the Agent Tex song so Im gonna go dance around :D

Havent been on here is aaaaaaages!!

But I do have a very good excuse. Well, kinda. I've been off work ill for the past month. I had blood tests for all my vital organs and platelets. I was also tested for being pregnant. All came back fine and the pregnancy test came back negative. I cried. I literally bawled my eyes out while lying on the bed curled up in a ball. It kind of felt like I'd had everything I'd been hoping for snatched from me and smashed into a thousand pieces. I very often feel like my life has no purpose. I haven't got anything to be proud of. If I died tomorrow I haven't left my mark in this world. And I'm not likely to be able to do it via science, or music, or art or business. I'm not smart enough. But my mum, who is in the same boat at me, is so proud of her kids. I look at her and I can see the happiness. I want that. I never wanted kids when I was younger. It wasn't until I met Ben and then I was like "Yep, I've met the One. I want kids now. I want to get married, settle down and be happy"

But yeah. I'm not pregnant. And I'm not allowed to be for "a few years yet" According to Ben. Although I was very surprised. When we thought I may be pregnant, I was kind of expecting him to freak out and do a runner. But he didn't. He said that, obviously, he wouldn't put himself in that position purposefully. But if it happened we would make it work. I think that's also what made it so hard when it turned out that I wasn't. Because Ben seemed ready. It was like he'd made up his mind that he was going to be a dad and he was going to do the best damn job he could. But oh well. Maybe next time.

Anyway, what it did turn out to be, was a fooked up nerve in my left ear. Right, in your ears, you have a nerve that acts as a volume control. For example, when you're in loud places, it turns the sensitivity down. When you're in quiet places it turns the sensitivity up. Mine has decided that I am constantly in a library. Therefore, everything is incredibly loud allllll the time. Which has been giving me migraines. And making me dizzy. And the cause of my nausea. So yeah. I have a screwed up ear which means that pretty much every time I leave the house I have to have ear plugs in :S Especially when I'm working.

But yeah.

My flatmate (now nicknamed DickWad) is still living with us. I really want him gone. I will be writing him a letter tomorrow morning telling him he has a week to find somewhere else to live if he doesn't give us the rest of the rent tonight. I text him a few weeks ago warning him to have it paid by today or he'd be out. If he chose not to listen, that's his problem, not mine!! He tattoos constantly. Even at 2/3 in the morning! That pisses me off. He is also not in my good books today because of last night.
Ben and I spent the evening at a comedy gig at the cinema where we work. We came home and went to bed at about midnight. At 2am I was woken up by him rattling around in the kitchen. At 5am I was woken up by him moving Ben's computer desk chair. At 5:45am, I was woken up AGAIN by him finally going to bed. And then I woke up for the last time at 10am when Ben got up to go pick his beloved PS3 up (I'll explain later).

Anyway, I'm going to go now. Trying to convince Ben to go swimming

xx

Ramblings from a bored bar worker...

I watched the Queen's speech opening Government or whatever it was. Some questions I came up with though:

1. Do you reckon the Queen goes to Specsavers?
2. What does Prince Charles call the Queen?  Mother? Your Majesty? Mummy?
3. Same question as above, but for her Grandsons...

It was quite funny though. Pretty much as soon as Prince Philip sat down, it looked like he had fallen asleep. Made me laugh. I found the top 15 quotes of Prince Philip that made me laugh so much I have to share them with you:

1. China State Visit, 1986

If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.

2. To a blind women with a guide

“Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?”

3. To an Aborigine in Australia

“Do you still throw spears at each other?”

4. To his wife, the Queen, after her coronation

“Where did you get the hat?”

5. When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union

“The bastards murdered half my family”

6. To a Briton in Budapest

“You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.”

7. To a driving instructor in Scotland

“How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”

8. After the Dunblane shooting

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

9. To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea

“You managed not to get eaten, then?”

10. To Elton John after hearing Elton had sold his Gold Aston Martin

“Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle.”

11. On the London Traffic Debate

“The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion.”

12. To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes

“You look like you’re ready for bed!”

13. Unknown

“If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!”

14. On key problems facing Brazil

“Brazilians live there”

15. To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean

“You have mosquitos. I have the Press”

Taken from: http://listverse.com/2007/09/11/top-15-quotes-of-prince-philip/

*************************************************************************

I wish I could draw. I cant even draw :( on paper. Sucks. Everyone I work with seems to be a freaking artist!! Every time I go into work there are loads of "doodles" (which I think are amazing) behind the bar. 

I obviously have my card business but, as of yet, I've had no orders. Which kinda upsets me tbh. I came into work today and somebody had drawn a  Hibiscus flower and I immediately thought "Ohhhh, that would look awesome as a tattoo on my wrist" I had a tattoo on my right wrist a while ago and it hurt so much that I swore I'd never get another one done. However, 3 or 4 days later I was planning my next one!!! I'm definitely going to have a memoriam one done for my Nan. However, I cant decide whether to have the full size Celtic style heart on the bottom of my back or whether to just have the R.I.P writing on my left wrist. I also keep seeing loads of people with tattoos on the back of their necks that I think looks awesome. And now the flower!!! So annoying.

**********************************************************************************

I'm back to work today after nearly 3 weeks off. Still don't feel great. My neck is killing me. As is my stomach. I keep going really dizzy and I'm having to seriously concentrate on not being sick. It's causing me to keep dropping shit. Particularly expensive bottles. Thankfully we have rubber bar mats so nothing broke! Couldn't afford to have £50 coming out of my wages for smashing a bottle of Champagne. 

Doesn't help that I'm nervous about Ben and his exams. I really hope he believes in himself enough to pass. Although I don't think he does. he starts revising and then, what seems like 10 minutes later, he's playing Soma. I really hope he passes. He's put too much effort into it all to just drop out. I believe in him. I know he can do it. He just needs to believe in himself. But we shall see. I just hope he knows how much I love him. And obviously I shall be by his side no matter what happens.

**********************************************************************************

Right: FLATMATE RANT!!!

Arrrrrrggggghhhhh!!! This guy really knows how to piss me off!!! Our rent was dude last Wednesday (19/05/10)  so we told him we needed his rent before the banks closed on Tuesday. However, he decided to go to Leeds for a week - leaving Monday. Did he give us our rent before he left?? Did he f#ck!! Ben and I ended up having a huge argument about it as I think we should just kick the f#cker out, but Ben doesn't want to. 

He finally came back on Saturday. I'd text him during the week telling him to have our rent ready for us as soon as he got home. He replied saying he's sorted it with Ben before he went. Lie number one.

On Sunday, after we still didn't have our rent, I went up to him and asked him for it. He said it was in his room and he disappeared to go and get it. Lie number 2. After waiting 20-30 minutes, I got bored and went into my bedroom to get my laptop at which point he came out of his room and I heard him talking to Ben. As soon as I re-entered the living room, he went back to his bedroom. Thinking he'd finally paid I asked Ben. But no. He'd come up with some shit sob story about how his credit card had been stolen and funnily enough, he now has charges for the same amount of money that he owed us!! Load of bollocks. Oh, and I also discovered that he doesn't even have a credit card.

Ben turned round to him and said that we needed the money asap and he finally gave us some on Monday (24/05/10) and said we could have the rest today. However, Ben text him earlier today to remind him when he went out and he replied saying that he didn't have it all but could give us some!!! He keeps tattooing in my spare bedroom and when Ben asked him to stop, he turned round and said that he could stop tattooing, but wouldn't be able to pay us rent as that's his only income. AND THEN HE DOESN'T FREAKING PAY US ANYWAY!!!

 Although I had to laugh. Monday night, Ben and I went out and when we came back we noticed that his bike had gone. We assumed he had finally moved it like we (and the caretaker) had been telling him to for the past 2 months. About half hour later, he asked us where WE had put his bike... he's had his bike nicked!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Actually  made me laugh!! What goes around comes around. What's even funnier is that on his Facebook he is getting really stressy saying that when he finds who stole his bike he's gonna skin him alive!! WHATEVER DUDE! CHILL THE F#CK OUT!! Serves you right you ignorant, obnoxious twat. 

He really needs to learn to wash up too. He just kinda rinses anything he uses with water and he thinks that will do. I've just gone to put all my washing up away to find that there is still food, finger prints and lip marks on my glasses and plates that he had apparently "washed up" Made me feel sick. He had left some of OUR glasses in his room in the nearly 30 degree heat for a week while he went away. First thing he did when he got home was put some water in some mouldy glasses and then left them on my kitchen worktop. And then he said he needed to use the washing machine so I had to stop halfway through my washing so he could use the machine. 2 days later, he decided to go to London for the day. But neglected to take the washing out of my washing machine. So I pulled it all out (while wearing gloves - I aint touching that!) and dumped it all in a dirty Tesco's delivery box XD Made me feel a bit better. 

But anyways, I think that I should probably leave now. I've had my rant for today - thank you for listening!!!

xx

Back to the Doctors I go...

Or rather went. As you know, I was signed off work a week ago and I had to go back today for a check up. I went in with a long list of symptoms that hadn't improved (some had got worse) since my last visit. 
I told him about my earache. Turns out I've got an ear infection.
Told him about my extremely painful neck. He just said to massage it. 
Told him the uber strong pain killers weren't particularly helping my headaches. He said to just carry on taking them anyway.
Told him I was extremely nauseous. He didn't say anything.
So all in all a bit of a useless trip. So glad I got up at 8:30am for that. I have to go back in 2 weeks time to see how I am then. 


I also have to go to Fire Training at work tomorrow morning. At 8am. That should be fun with earache and migraines!! Praying to god that they don't turn the alarms on. 


I started playing a new online game yesterday. It's called Myth Of Soma. Ben's been playing it for years and I was always competing for his attention with it. So I thought that instead of fighting over it, I'll start playing too. I think Ben enjoys me playing it with me and teaching me everything. We belong to a "Guild" and there's loads of people on it. They keep saying that we're an awesome and amazing couple. One guy said I should go around with him but Ben got a bit jealous and said no, I was going around the map with him XD Never seen Ben fight for me or get even remotely jealous. I kinda liked it.  May have to play this game more often :P ...


xxx

I really shouldn't be allowed around fire...

Especially when drunk. Every time I see a flame I go into a sort of trance. It's very bizarre. But I like it. All I tend to think about is my nan who died of lung cancer a few years ago. But I love looking into the flames and just forgetting everything. It's like I don't exist and I'm looking down on the flame from another place. It makes me feel calm. Always has done. I guess I am what you would call a pyromaniac. I love creating fire. I love the process. The smell. Everything about fire I love. Even the burns! It makes me feel at ease. Of course fire isn't the only thing to have this effect on me. Alcohol does too. But I feel like fire is less likely to take over my life the way alcohol took over my nans.

I really shouldn't be allowed to drink. Seeing as I'm on pain killers and anti-depressants. And I don't drink very often. But when I do, I go all out!! Guess that's the Irish in me XD


When I drink, it takes a lot to get me drunk. But I like drinking as it makes me feel like I'm supposed to feel. Happy. Content. Relaxed. I went through a stage a few months ago of wanting a drink all the time. And I don't mean, "Oh I fancy a drink" I mean I was physically gagging for one. I couldn't think of anything else!! Ben and I were going through a hard time and drinking made me feel better. At least for a little while anyway. I'm not sure how I managed to break the cycle, I think Ben helped a lot, but I eventually stopped thinking like that. I still have times when I think "I really need a drink" But I think a lot of people do that - and not all of them are alcoholics.
I do get very worried about addiction. I'm already hooked on my anti-depressants. I cant physically cope without them. I became really paranoid that I was becoming addicted to my pain killers too. I loved the feeling they gave me when I took them and then I found myself craving more as soon as the feeling even remotely wore off. A bit like alcohol. I do have a lot of trouble controlling myself around alcohol. Its always "One more" But the only reason I stop is because I will have either run out of money (at which point I would usually go around asking people if I could borrow some) or mixer, or Ben will put his foot down and demand that I stop drinking.


But anyways. I think that's enough insight into my messed up head for one day. Come back in a day or two and I may have another story for you...


xxx

Depressive day today...

Not sure why, but my moods have been all over the shot the last few days :( One minute I'm fine, the next I'm close to tears. Cant seem to stop it! I've been taking my anti-depressants so I shouldn't be like this. But hey.

My parents were supposed to be coming to see me today. However, they got halfway here and I got a phone call from my mum who was close to tears. Apparently their car had just lost their brakes and so they were having to turn around and go back home. However, they weren't just coming to see me for the heck of it. My Dad has recently qualified as a Dr and he has to pass something called an ALS course. He failed the first attempt and has to go to Northampton for the second attempt which is at 8:30am tomorrow morning. I hope they manage to get them fixed so they can come see me and get my dad to his exam. But yeah. I got really scared when my mum rang me.

Anyways, I'm gonna go now. I feel better now I've vented a bit. Hoping they still get to come up. Hopefully my little brother and sister will get to stay with me while my mum and dad go up to the Midlands. But we shall see. Going into town to get some pebbles for a vase that Ben bought me :-)

xxx

Up date and a lil' bit of history...

Well, Ben has just left for his 1st written exam :S He had a fibres test practical thing last week which he forgot to take his notes to (twit) but he managed to do pretty well in it anyway and passed :D


So yeah, I'm now sitting in bed, waiting for my pain killers to kick in so that my head and neck will stop hurting like a bitch! My head hurts, my neck hurts, my throat hurts, I feel nauseous, and I feel dizzy :'( So I really am feeling like a piece of poo today!


Everything is irritating me today:

• The fact that it is taking me 3 or 4 attempts to send each damn text message from my phone and about 3 minutes to connect if I try and ring someone.

• The fact that I'm hungry but the thought of food makes me feel ill. 

• The fact that my pain killers are yet to kick in and stop my head and neck hurting.

• Every time I cough it nearly splits my head in 2.

• I want to take Ben out to dinner, but I also told him I'd buy him Skate 3 and wont have enough money to do both.

• The fact that I cant get comfortable. 

• That fact that my laptop keeps deciding to do its own thing. For example, last night, i put it to sleep but it decided to wake itself up about 2 hours later and then constantly hum while it did stuff I didn't want it to do.

• The fact that I have just spent half an hour playing a game on Facebook (Hotel City) for it to then crash and loose everything I had just done and paid for. Now, this wouldn't be so bad, if I had got all the items back - or at least all the money I'd spent. But no, it took both. And then it decided it wasn't going to let me close the frigging page and so I had to ctrl alt delete that bitch!

• the fact that I really want a car. And I really want to be able to drive legally. But no. Cant do either because of no money. 

I'm feeling annoyingly depressed today. Now, I have suffered from depression for about 6 years now, so I'm used to that. But I have also been on tablets for most of those years and I always thought that when on the medication, I'd be normal. But no. I hate going up and down and up and down all the time! One minute I can be perfectly happy then then next I will either want to kill myself or someone near to me (which is usually Ben - how he puts up with me I do not know. I guess it really is love) Yesterday I was fine, and this morningn I felt ok. But now I've nose dived. And I always do it when im on my own. which sucks. Wish Ben was here. He would give me a hug and tell me that everything will be alright and he'd make me smile. He always does that. He can make me smile, even when I'm so pissed at him its unreal. drives me up the wall. I'm beginnging to be able to do it to him to. But hes better at hiding it then me. I just start grinning whereas he can slyly turn his head so I cant see him and still think he's pissed at me! Haha.

Im going to have to cut this one short, my parents are on their way to see me :D

xxx

Ohhhhh, chocolate!!!

Right, so my mum and dad bought me loads of relaxation/bath things for Christmas. Candles, face masks, body scrubs, foot scrubs etc. While Ben is in our living room studying with some friends I thought, "I know, I'll use one of the face masks my mum got me" One of them was chocolate and one was strawberry. I obviously went for the chocolate one. Before I opened it I thought it was just going to smell like chocolate. But no. It looks, smells and feels like melted chocolate!! And it warms up!! Insane. I am having to try extremely hard to not lick my face!! Haha.It was a very bizarre feeling spreading what felt like melted chocolate onto my face and not pouring into my mouth :S And that is why I'm fat! Lol.


On another, not so funny, note. My flatmate bought a girl home last night. Now, he's had a girl in his room allllll weekend that he is "seeing". However, he didn't want me or my boyfriend to even see her! Well, they left the flat at 6:30am yesterday morning and then at about 10/11pm last night he came home... with what sounded like a different girl!! Well, I think it was a different girl. If it wasn't then the original one is a complete dumb fuck as she didn't know which was his room and she'd been in it all weekend. Lol. But yeah, I digress. I thought, "Oh perhaps he's tattooing her. Although its very late to start doing that..." Oh how naive I am!! About 20 minutes later I heard the unmistakeable *squeak, squeak, squeak* of my spare bed. I was sat there trying to watch "The Full Monty" while all I could hear was *squeak, squeak, squeak*. Although I do have to give him credit, where credit is due. He was going for pretty much the entire film!! But yeah. I have never felt that uncomfortable in my life!! Well, actually I lie. I overheard my dad and step-mum while we were on holiday in Corfu once. That was embarrassing! Think the entire villa complex heard!! And then my brother asked if was me!!! :S


Anyways, I'm gonna have to go wash this face mask off now before I start licking it, and I'm not sure that would be a good idea as I don't actually recognize any of the ingredients so I'm guessing what I currently have smeared all over my face is not actually chocolate XD


Bye all!!
xx

Still feeling like shit

Sooo, I was signed off work last Friday for a week because I've been getting really bad headaches and migraines and I was kind of hoping that by now I would be feeling better. But I don't. The headaches have kind of calmed down but I now have a sore throat and a cough. Feeling so lethargic its unreal. I have so much crap to do and I just haven't got the energy at the moment. Ben's being pretty good. Although I would prefer it if he helped around the house more - without me asking him several times for his help and him then sighing and stropping with me. But hey.

On another point, I am soooooo pissed at my new flatmate. If you hadn't guessed, he is a tattoo artist and is currently tattooing several people a day out of my spare room. Which really annoys me. Not sure why it does so much, but it does. I guess that as he screwed my tattoo and my friends tattoo up I'm worried that he's going to fuck up someone else's and they will then go to the council who could fine us. But yeah, he spent all day tattooing some chick yesterday and he spilt some black ink on my brand new cream carpet. However, instead of trying to clear it up he looked at it and ignored it. It was only this morning, when I was rudely awoken at 6am by the sound of him re-arranging my kitchen, that I saw it and then proceeded to spend an hour on my hands and knees (with a migraine) scrubbing my carpet to TRY (and I really do mean try) and get rid of it. I've managed to get most of it up but you can still see a black spot on my nice carpet. 

And another thing, does he not know how to use the washing up liquid?? I am getting kind of miffed with doing his washing up as well as my own. Also, if he keeps using my cutlery and not washing it up I am gonna get soooo annoyed. I came into the kitchen this morning to find a sink full of my glasses, plates and cutlery even though I'd spent 20 mins washing all mine and my boyfriends things up before I went to bed. Grrrr. I said to Ben that I refused to wash B.D's (my flatmate) shit up. However I couldn't sit here with it all piled up on the side!! But I am going to try and ignore it from now on. 

Sorry for the wide range of colours. Figured I would try and add a bot of flare to my entries XD

Another quiz stolen...

Do you have a girlf​riend​/​boyfr​iend?​
I do indeed have a boyfriend

How many texts​ are in your inbox​?​
101

Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to?
My boyfriend

When was the last time you smile​d?​
A few minutes ago when Ben was tickling me and blowing raspberry's on my chest :/

What is somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now?
Burger King

How late did you stay up last night​ and why?
Erm... 1am cos I was waiting for Ben to turn SOMA off and come to bed

Who was the last perso​n you saw in perso​n?​
Ben, I'm looking at him right now XD

Are you pregn​ant?​
I bloody well hope not...

When is the next time you will hug someo​ne?
In a few mins when I go over to Ben and blow raspberry's on his cheek...

What are you eatin​g?​
Nothing, but I was made pancakes for breakfast 

First​ perso​n under​ S on your cell phone​?​
Sam - my brother in law

Are you more of a coffe​e or alcoh​ol drink​er?​
Erm... I drink both but very rarely. But I would tend to say that I usually end up consuming more alcohol then coffee

Did you have a good day yeste​rday?
Not really. I feel like crap :'(

Were you happy​ when you woke up today​?​
Not really seeing as I was rudely woken up at 6am by my rude flatmate banging around in the kitchen

Are you drift​ing away from someo​ne you were close​ with?
I have never really been close to anyone...

Is waiti​ng for someo​ne ever okay?​
Yes. I waited 3 years for Ben

Has someo​ne promi​sed you somet​hing and broke​ it?
Yes. Too many times!!


Who was the last perso​n to text you?
Marie


Are you happy​ with life right​ now?
It could be better, but it could also be worse

Who is the last perso​n you hugge​d and how old are they and how tall were they?
Ben, 22, and 6"2'

Last websi​te you went to was what?​
Twitter or Facebook, cant remember

Tea or coffe​e?​
Tea

Night​ or day?
Day

Die laugh​ing or sleep​ing?​
Laughing

Kfc or mcdon​alds?​
KFC. McDonalds makes me feel ill...

Whats​ the relat​ionsh​ip with you and the perso​n you last texte​d?​
Friends

When’​s the last time you cried​?​
Yesterday

Do you want kids?​
Yes, 2

Are you a coffe​e addic​t?​
Can't say I am no.

Would​ you kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d?​
God yes!!

Ever kisse​d someone whose name begin​s with D?
Don't think so, unless you count the peck on the cheek I give my dad (whose name begins with D)

Last place​ you trave​led to in a car?
Longleat. Ikea. Tesco's. Can't remember which one...

Is your hair up?
Yeah, it needs a wash tbh

Do you think​ you are an argum​entat​ive perso​n?​
Oh hell yeah!!

Is your phone​ right​ besid​e you?
Yes. Usually is...

Is the last perso​n you kisse​d mad at you?
Not at this precise moment in time...

How long does it take for you to fall aslee​p at night​?​
Freakin aaaaaages!!!

What color​ are your eyes?​
Bluey green. Depends on my mood

Are you a forgi​ving perso​n?​
Not in the slightest

How did you wake up this morning?
My flatmate made loads of noise in the kitchen


-thee end-