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Me and Ben

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Monday, 17 May 2010

Back to the Doctors I go...

Or rather went. As you know, I was signed off work a week ago and I had to go back today for a check up. I went in with a long list of symptoms that hadn't improved (some had got worse) since my last visit. 
I told him about my earache. Turns out I've got an ear infection.
Told him about my extremely painful neck. He just said to massage it. 
Told him the uber strong pain killers weren't particularly helping my headaches. He said to just carry on taking them anyway.
Told him I was extremely nauseous. He didn't say anything.
So all in all a bit of a useless trip. So glad I got up at 8:30am for that. I have to go back in 2 weeks time to see how I am then. 

I also have to go to Fire Training at work tomorrow morning. At 8am. That should be fun with earache and migraines!! Praying to god that they don't turn the alarms on. 

I started playing a new online game yesterday. It's called Myth Of Soma. Ben's been playing it for years and I was always competing for his attention with it. So I thought that instead of fighting over it, I'll start playing too. I think Ben enjoys me playing it with me and teaching me everything. We belong to a "Guild" and there's loads of people on it. They keep saying that we're an awesome and amazing couple. One guy said I should go around with him but Ben got a bit jealous and said no, I was going around the map with him XD Never seen Ben fight for me or get even remotely jealous. I kinda liked it.  May have to play this game more often :P ...


Sunday, 16 May 2010

I really shouldn't be allowed around fire...

Especially when drunk. Every time I see a flame I go into a sort of trance. It's very bizarre. But I like it. All I tend to think about is my nan who died of lung cancer a few years ago. But I love looking into the flames and just forgetting everything. It's like I don't exist and I'm looking down on the flame from another place. It makes me feel calm. Always has done. I guess I am what you would call a pyromaniac. I love creating fire. I love the process. The smell. Everything about fire I love. Even the burns! It makes me feel at ease. Of course fire isn't the only thing to have this effect on me. Alcohol does too. But I feel like fire is less likely to take over my life the way alcohol took over my nans.

I really shouldn't be allowed to drink. Seeing as I'm on pain killers and anti-depressants. And I don't drink very often. But when I do, I go all out!! Guess that's the Irish in me XD

When I drink, it takes a lot to get me drunk. But I like drinking as it makes me feel like I'm supposed to feel. Happy. Content. Relaxed. I went through a stage a few months ago of wanting a drink all the time. And I don't mean, "Oh I fancy a drink" I mean I was physically gagging for one. I couldn't think of anything else!! Ben and I were going through a hard time and drinking made me feel better. At least for a little while anyway. I'm not sure how I managed to break the cycle, I think Ben helped a lot, but I eventually stopped thinking like that. I still have times when I think "I really need a drink" But I think a lot of people do that - and not all of them are alcoholics.
I do get very worried about addiction. I'm already hooked on my anti-depressants. I cant physically cope without them. I became really paranoid that I was becoming addicted to my pain killers too. I loved the feeling they gave me when I took them and then I found myself craving more as soon as the feeling even remotely wore off. A bit like alcohol. I do have a lot of trouble controlling myself around alcohol. Its always "One more" But the only reason I stop is because I will have either run out of money (at which point I would usually go around asking people if I could borrow some) or mixer, or Ben will put his foot down and demand that I stop drinking.

But anyways. I think that's enough insight into my messed up head for one day. Come back in a day or two and I may have another story for you...