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Sunday, 16 May 2010

I really shouldn't be allowed around fire...

Especially when drunk. Every time I see a flame I go into a sort of trance. It's very bizarre. But I like it. All I tend to think about is my nan who died of lung cancer a few years ago. But I love looking into the flames and just forgetting everything. It's like I don't exist and I'm looking down on the flame from another place. It makes me feel calm. Always has done. I guess I am what you would call a pyromaniac. I love creating fire. I love the process. The smell. Everything about fire I love. Even the burns! It makes me feel at ease. Of course fire isn't the only thing to have this effect on me. Alcohol does too. But I feel like fire is less likely to take over my life the way alcohol took over my nans.

I really shouldn't be allowed to drink. Seeing as I'm on pain killers and anti-depressants. And I don't drink very often. But when I do, I go all out!! Guess that's the Irish in me XD

When I drink, it takes a lot to get me drunk. But I like drinking as it makes me feel like I'm supposed to feel. Happy. Content. Relaxed. I went through a stage a few months ago of wanting a drink all the time. And I don't mean, "Oh I fancy a drink" I mean I was physically gagging for one. I couldn't think of anything else!! Ben and I were going through a hard time and drinking made me feel better. At least for a little while anyway. I'm not sure how I managed to break the cycle, I think Ben helped a lot, but I eventually stopped thinking like that. I still have times when I think "I really need a drink" But I think a lot of people do that - and not all of them are alcoholics.
I do get very worried about addiction. I'm already hooked on my anti-depressants. I cant physically cope without them. I became really paranoid that I was becoming addicted to my pain killers too. I loved the feeling they gave me when I took them and then I found myself craving more as soon as the feeling even remotely wore off. A bit like alcohol. I do have a lot of trouble controlling myself around alcohol. Its always "One more" But the only reason I stop is because I will have either run out of money (at which point I would usually go around asking people if I could borrow some) or mixer, or Ben will put his foot down and demand that I stop drinking.

But anyways. I think that's enough insight into my messed up head for one day. Come back in a day or two and I may have another story for you...


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